WHOA!

I skipped a year of not giving you updates :D 

Here's what happened last year: 

I met the Tuesday Group!

I-Dawn Zulueta-Mo-Ako moment! 

Best team for wine nights!

My first  American Thanksgiving!

This, <3 Always!

 And He found  me.

Or we found each other. 

CLOSING 2 0 1 5

CLOSING 2015One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary...

Posted by Paulo Coelho on Tuesday, December 29, 2015

2015

How is it that the holidays never fail to bring the urgency to purge? To make me feel unhappy, sad, nostalgic, alone, longing for something that's never going to happen? It is evident this holiday. 

Well 2015, hope is there from the very beginning of the year. January. I was interviewed for my first corporate job and come February, I was working. I couldn't be more thankful for that. I thought everything was going fine but yes, that part had been always there. 

I was hopeful for that, too. Thinking we're be together this year, waiting for him patiently. But it turned out, I had to get out the of the equation. I couldn't see that before when I told him I'd end it. As you know, it was forbidden. Us. But my strings were pulled accordingly and I got sucked in again. 

As February passed by, March, April, May. I had to be the one. 

I thought I was going to be fine. Me out of his own equation. Him out of my life. I met men immediately after that. I had fun but the fun didn't last that long.

For months now, I've been bottling this resentment, anger, abandonment and it finally caught up. It has been exploding for weeks now. Crying in the most mundane places while talking to my friend or when I wake up in the morning, wishing his warmth will give me comfort. 

I cannot bring us back. Him back. I cannot get back what I gave to him. What I can only do is forgive myself and forgive him. The only gift I am thankful for is Rufio. I thank him for Rufio.

2015 you have been the most badass year yet. I got my heart broken big time. Lord knows how badly it has beaten up.

I am a hesitant someone, as told by my former boss while catching up with him thru Facebook chat on the day of Christmas eve. I was cleaning my room or rather, cleaning my skeletons. 

I don't want to end the year in a low note. ( I'll stop checking his fb account and others for updates hahaha) I'll end it how I started the year.












Moving forward with high hopes for myself. 

Get your updates! Updates!

So.. Hi, my non-existent readers. As I write this, I am also trying to write two texts about two events for our newsletter.

First things first, I just got regularized! Wooot! I think a reward is in order, perhaps Giniling bracelets by Natalya L. Anyway, I was in probation for 3 months before I got regularized. It was a long wait and so  much negativity, but I just kept going. So here it is! :)

Second, I went to Bicol twice this month. The second time was Calaguas. First time was in Albay. And oh boy, both places were a treat! The majestic Mayon captivated me. I couldn't stop looking at it. Every chance I get, I look at the Mayon with so much awe. Calaguas was  different. Different in a sense that I could actually picture myself camping for more days and wouldnt mind if communication was cut off. It was all experiential. Probably next stop, Visayas for my Birthday!! Weeeee!

 Hmmmm Third, hmmmm I need to start taking photos. Yes, I am whining again.

That's it, pancit!

PS hate Christmas

Dream

I had two dreams about you. But I dreamt them in one sleeping, two nights ago.

First, we were still "together". We didn't see each other for three day because you went on a retreat. After your retreat, you met up with me. You said you were ready to leave her. And you met up with her. I saw her. You went somewhere, went back to the place where we met, where I was waiting for you. You sat beside her, told her it's over. She leaned her head on you shoulder. You quickly stood up and left the place. 

The place was McDonalds.

The second one, we were in your car. You stopped at some bay and then somebody knocked on your car's window. You lowered the window, and the a fat girl appeared to the picture. She was holding her phone, probably texting her that you were cheating on her. You left the bay, dropped me off a train station after the incident.

The train station was beautiful.  

I am ready to move on. To let go of you. 

I need to rest this tired heart and mind of mine. 

It's time to withdraw. 

A Battle

These past few days, I have been thinking about him. During my breaks or when I am in idle, I linger in the past, trying to understand if things didn't turn out as expected. The more I linger, the more I become sad and eventually, cry. 

For the past month, I cope by telling my closest teammate about my struggles to this so-called moving on.  During the first week, I was furious. I felt that I needed that so-called break up. I was furious at him for letting him hook me for almost a year. I was mad at myself for being so foolish, thinking that we'd end up someday. Two weeks, I was doing good. And then third week, I lost it. I cried in front of my two teammates while drinking. It has become a routine.

And then I started to pray. I pray to Him whenever I feel like I won't be able to forget him. I pray to Him when I cry uncontrollably at night. I pray to Him to free me from this sadness, to have the courage and decency to not look back and not contact him. I pray to Him to help him to be happy, to be satisfied, to be vocal about what he feels and what he wants. It's not just me, I pray for him, too.

Cubao X last night

Last night, I was at Cubao X. And it all came back to me: how I brought him there because he hasn't been there, how we fought at Alan's Grill, left him there, and went back for him, how we checked those antique shops and planned to go back again to get a Marcos memorabilia for his mom. 

 This morning, together with my sister, we passed by familiar routes to me of which he and I spent laughing, making out, buying coffee, surviving traffic, deciding which dog to get and what food to buy for it among other things. I had to control my feelings and my tear ducts. 

Ang lakas, motherf!!!!!!!

I know it is going to be a tough month ahead since I remembered he gave himself a deadline about his situation. The deadline is July. I am taking actions not to be distracted. This battle, I am facing it all by myself. It's a burden I have to overcome or else, I might go crazy. As much as I want to share this, as the saying goes "A problem shared is a problem solved",  I have to deal with the loneliness and turn in to solitude. 

But then I fail just now. By writing this post. 

Shit.

Sleep Depravation

For the last three weeks or so, I have been going out and drinking and dancing and drinking again. Yes, the majority of the activity of my night shenanigans is drinking. With that said, I have been lacking sleep. I usually get 6 hours of sleep on a work night but if I go out, I have been getting 2-3 hours of sleep or even 1 and a half hours of sleep. And I can feel my body has taken its toll evidently my face. 

So, I will try my best to stop at least for two weeks and just recharge and "detoxify". And focus more on Rufio whom I have been neglecting.

This post was more of a rant. lol.

Still missing him a lot. 

#sadnessaway

#sadnessaway

Where do I start again?

Where do I pick the pieces of lost time and love?

I wanted you but you made it clear that I had to be the one to be out of the equation.

You should've told in the early months of our so-called relationship in order not to expect anything from you, from this, from us. I was hoping. I was wishing. I wanted it to be you.

I wanted us to happen.   

I wanted to go out on a Saturday night, watch a movie, hold hands while walking. I wanted  what other couples had. I wanted to tell the world, the universe, that I loved you. But I couldn't do that. 

I tried to understand where you were coming from. I tried not to get jealous. I tried not to think about it whenever we were together. But still, at the end of the day, we were never a thing. We were never a thing as you two were. I was out. No one knew me. 

I secretly loved every minute I spent with you. I loved how you would want to back slap me when I annoy you. I loved your spontaneity. I loved your goofy laugh and your hopeless hair. I loved your non-existent bigote. I loved that one time we had a discussion about career. I loved how you accompanied me through my coffee obsession. I loved how you had to try everything at least once. I loved your Gaultier glasses, not your Oakley. I loved how you would give your cheek to my subtle kisses. I loved your childhood stories - Aray ko mambo! I loved how we had names for kids: Tala and G Jr. 

Maybe in an alternate universe, a realm, I can boldly tell everyone that I love you. I can freely profess my love for you. I can tell everyone that you are MINE and mine alone.

I still have so many things I want to tell you but I guess, it is best to keep them unsaid.

Thank you for almost a year of bittersweet hours and minutes. 

I hope you are going to be happy. 

Be good, G.

I love you. 

Cubao X, 2014

First of Sorts - My First Corporate Job

Since second half of 2014, I have been looking for a job. A corporate job to be exact. I was still doing freelance to at least help me get through the months, but I needed a more steady income. I wasn't getting any interviews. I did get some but there were no follow-ups. Yes, I did get discouraged but my friends kept on telling me that it wasn't the hiring season. I just kept on applying. 

To make matters worse, I was the talk of my family. They kept asking me why I still don't have a job. I DID have a job. I was a freelance artist. FREELANCE. They wanted a more stable job for me. 

Enter the 2nd day of 2015, I was online, logged in at a website, submitting my CV to every possible company. Lo and behold, I did get three interviews from three different companies in two weeks. The third interview, well, I did not waste any opportunity. I was offered a position.  I took it. 

On my very first day of work, I was immediately asked to design something. Right then and there, I was working. Sinabak ako agad!  Events, flyers, posters, FB covers, ticket designs, PR, meetings, FGDs.  Every thing was being thrown at me and I have been accepting it. 

There was no period of adjustment. As days go by, I learn the politics, the style, the profile, my teammates. Everything! Crazy! 

But boy, when I got my first salary, nothing beats that! I just have to level up, to ask for more, to exceed my expectation and theirs too.

So, I shall update, my non-existent readers. I missed this. Writing. I wish I could pour out everything here. I could if I have the courage to do so. But now, let me get my well-deserved sleep because tomorrow, it's a brand new day, full of possibilites, full of hope, and full of happiness.

Goodnight unto you all! 

p.s. I am beginning to get the hang of it, this corporate life. I think. :) 

Clear as a water

Where do you pick up the pieces after making that decision? A decision that has been long overdue. 

Maybe pick my camera again. That's a good start. or Maybe a Tanduay...

Tomorrow's a new day! 

Hi

It has been quite a while since I last wrote something in this blog. Maybe I should do a makeover for this blog. So many things has happened since September. A lot of heartaches and yearning. Nevertheless, I know I'll be okay. :)

The Invitation

By Oriah 

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Hi, it has been a while.

hi, it has been a while

i want to share something

but i dont know if i can

maybe in october

I cant help but think and wish and hope

Yes HOPE

that unfailing HOPE

and then it crushes you

broken

Kroooo kroooo krooooo

What to do?  What to do? 

I have to master each of them again. Touch them, feel them, give them my command. 

Priorities, Vitzka. Priorities. 

Tulog ko muna siguro ito.

Give me pain. Give me shit. Give me love? Anurao?

Exclusivity. Medyo nakakatakot. 

I need a long sleep. A dreamless sleep. 

Good night. 

Twenty something

Hey, I turned 26 this month. And it wasn't so bad. 

I promised myself  not to make a big fuss about it. It worked.  

Bianca

Napanaginipan kita.

Halos lahat gusto ka makita sa panaginip, samantalang ako, ayoko. Eh bigla kang sumulpot nung Biyernes Santo. 

Nakasakay tayo sa isang 4WD. Sabi ko uwi na ako. Tiningnan mo ang oras, 13:49. 

Sabi mo, may oras pa tayo.  Di ko alam saan tayo patungo pero umiiyak lang ako sa biyahe. Inabutan mo ako ng panyo.

Ang ending natin sa Jollibee. Pero bumili ka ng pizza. hahahaha

Funny mo, Sir Don! Nakakainis.  Wala ka nung birthday ko.  

Miss ka na namin. Miss na kita.

M, Manila

Everything about that area reminds me so much of you. I felt like my chest was about to burst with all the sadness I tried to keep in  for the past few days, or months for that matter. 

But at the same time, I can't help but laugh silently as I try to recall everything, mostly our  conversations. 

Highlights in my 11-year stay at St. Scholastica's College

Yesterday marked the feast day of St. Scholastica. In honor of her, (I know, I should be doing this during the school's foundation day. But I'm in a reminscing mood now.), I will tell you about the highlights of my stay at St.Scho Manila. 

Prep St. Reinildis - I made my first class cut at the tender young age of 6 years old! 

1 St. Clotsindis and 2 St. Willibald - I sorry, I cant even remember what happened here. LOL It will come to me in the coming days. 

3 St. Milburga - My first time to join a 3-day long trip to Ilocos Region. Fort Ilocandia Baby! I learned that I should open my camera when there's film inside, otherwise, Kodak will note "Exposed Film" in the package

4 St. Placid - I was asked to step out of the classroom because I was giving hand signals to my friend. First time to be part of the "star section". A Christmas Nightingale performace!!! 

5 St. Lioba - I met my future bestfriend. I was part of the class' volleyball team but didn't play during the intramurals. Number 5! Another 3-day trip to Baguio! 

6 St. Berno - Almost landed ingrade 7 but the universe did something, or the admin did some exemptions. whew!! A Midsummer Night's Dream, crazy production with  crazy issues. I learned not to comb my hair in public. It's cheap daw kasi.

1-A  I met my barkada for 7 years and counting.

2-I The whole year smelled like onion. HAHAHA!!  My first ever stage performance with me as one of main characters during the Afro-Asian Festival. Indiaaaa!! My class was shaken by Mr. Isidro's shout with matching banging on the table just because of the Dynastic Cyle and Fashion Cycle. Velcro! 

3-Assertiveness 3-ASS in short. These classmates of mine taught me how to ride the bicycle on the CCP grounds. Opened my eyes to the new world! LOL. I went to Boracay for the first time with most of my barkada! F4 invasion! 

4-Order One of the most disorder classes  of batch 2005, if not, the most teachers who walked out on us. Two of my "bestfriends" left me, one got pregnant, the other had to move to US. DC me, being Veyonce!! 

It was a good 11 years, I must say.