Thursday, December 31, 2015

CLOSING 2 0 1 5

CLOSING 2015One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary...

Posted by Paulo Coelho on Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Sunday, December 27, 2015


How is it that the holidays never fail to bring the urgency to purge? To make me feel unhappy, sad, nostalgic, alone, longing for something that's never going to happen? It is evident this holiday. 

Well 2015, hope is there from the very beginning of the year. January. I was interviewed for my first corporate job and come February, I was working. I couldn't be more thankful for that. I thought everything was going fine but yes, that part had been always there. 

I was hopeful for that, too. Thinking we're be together this year, waiting for him patiently. But it turned out, I had to get out the of the equation. I couldn't see that before when I told him I'd end it. As you know, it was forbidden. Us. But my strings were pulled accordingly and I got sucked in again. 

As February passed by, March, April, May. I had to be the one. 

I thought I was going to be fine. Me out of his own equation. Him out of my life. I met men immediately after that. I had fun but the fun didn't last that long.

For months now, I've been bottling this resentment, anger, abandonment and it finally caught up. It has been exploding for weeks now. Crying in the most mundane places while talking to my friend or when I wake up in the morning, wishing his warmth will give me comfort. 

I cannot bring us back. Him back. I cannot get back what I gave to him. What I can only do is forgive myself and forgive him. The only gift I am thankful for is Rufio. I thank him for Rufio.

2015 you have been the most badass year yet. I got my heart broken big time. Lord knows how badly it has beaten up.

I am a hesitant someone, as told by my former boss while catching up with him thru Facebook chat on the day of Christmas eve. I was cleaning my room or rather, cleaning my skeletons. 

I don't want to end the year in a low note. ( I'll stop checking his fb account and others for updates hahaha) I'll end it how I started the year.

Moving forward with high hopes for myself. 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Get your updates! Updates!

So.. Hi, my non-existent readers. As I write this, I am also trying to write two texts about two events for our newsletter.

First things first, I just got regularized! Wooot! I think a reward is in order, perhaps Giniling bracelets by Natalya L. Anyway, I was in probation for 3 months before I got regularized. It was a long wait and so  much negativity, but I just kept going. So here it is! :)

Second, I went to Bicol twice this month. The second time was Calaguas. First time was in Albay. And oh boy, both places were a treat! The majestic Mayon captivated me. I couldn't stop looking at it. Every chance I get, I look at the Mayon with so much awe. Calaguas was  different. Different in a sense that I could actually picture myself camping for more days and wouldnt mind if communication was cut off. It was all experiential. Probably next stop, Visayas for my Birthday!! Weeeee!

 Hmmmm Third, hmmmm I need to start taking photos. Yes, I am whining again.

That's it, pancit!

PS hate Christmas

Tuesday, August 4, 2015


I had two dreams about you. But I dreamt them in one sleeping, two nights ago.

First, we were still "together". We didn't see each other for three day because you went on a retreat. After your retreat, you met up with me. You said you were ready to leave her. And you met up with her. I saw her. You went somewhere, went back to the place where we met, where I was waiting for you. You sat beside her, told her it's over. She leaned her head on you shoulder. You quickly stood up and left the place. 

The place was McDonalds.

The second one, we were in your car. You stopped at some bay and then somebody knocked on your car's window. You lowered the window, and the a fat girl appeared to the picture. She was holding her phone, probably texting her that you were cheating on her. You left the bay, dropped me off a train station after the incident.

The train station was beautiful.  

I am ready to move on. To let go of you. 

I need to rest this tired heart and mind of mine. 

It's time to withdraw. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

A Battle

These past few days, I have been thinking about him. During my breaks or when I am in idle, I linger in the past, trying to understand if things didn't turn out as expected. The more I linger, the more I become sad and eventually, cry. 

For the past month, I cope by telling my closest teammate about my struggles to this so-called moving on.  During the first week, I was furious. I felt that I needed that so-called break up. I was furious at him for letting him hook me for almost a year. I was mad at myself for being so foolish, thinking that we'd end up someday. Two weeks, I was doing good. And then third week, I lost it. I cried in front of my two teammates while drinking. It has become a routine.

And then I started to pray. I pray to Him whenever I feel like I won't be able to forget him. I pray to Him when I cry uncontrollably at night. I pray to Him to free me from this sadness, to have the courage and decency to not look back and not contact him. I pray to Him to help him to be happy, to be satisfied, to be vocal about what he feels and what he wants. It's not just me, I pray for him, too.

Cubao X last night

Last night, I was at Cubao X. And it all came back to me: how I brought him there because he hasn't been there, how we fought at Alan's Grill, left him there, and went back for him, how we checked those antique shops and planned to go back again to get a Marcos memorabilia for his mom. 

 This morning, together with my sister, we passed by familiar routes to me of which he and I spent laughing, making out, buying coffee, surviving traffic, deciding which dog to get and what food to buy for it among other things. I had to control my feelings and my tear ducts. 
Ang lakas, motherf!!!!!!!

I know it is going to be a tough month ahead since I remembered he gave himself a deadline about his situation. The deadline is July. I am taking actions not to be distracted. This battle, I am facing it all by myself. It's a burden I have to overcome or else, I might go crazy. As much as I want to share this, as the saying goes "A problem shared is a problem solved",  I have to deal with the loneliness and turn in to solitude. 

But then I fail just now. By writing this post. 


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Sleep Depravation

For the last three weeks or so, I have been going out and drinking and dancing and drinking again. Yes, the majority of the activity of my night shenanigans is drinking. With that said, I have been lacking sleep. I usually get 6 hours of sleep on a work night but if I go out, I have been getting 2-3 hours of sleep or even 1 and a half hours of sleep. And I can feel my body has taken its toll evidently my face. 

So, I will try my best to stop at least for two weeks and just recharge and "detoxify". And focus more on Rufio whom I have been neglecting.

This post was more of a rant. lol.

Still missing him a lot. 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Where do I start again?

Where do I pick the pieces of lost time and love?

I wanted you but you made it clear that I had to be the one to be out of the equation.
You should've told in the early months of our so-called relationship in order not to expect anything from you, from this, from us. I was hoping. I was wishing. I wanted it to be you.
I wanted us to happen.   

I wanted to go out on a Saturday night, watch a movie, hold hands while walking. I wanted  what other couples had. I wanted to tell the world, the universe, that I loved you. But I couldn't do that. 

I tried to understand where you were coming from. I tried not to get jealous. I tried not to think about it whenever we were together. But still, at the end of the day, we were never a thing. We were never a thing as you two were. I was out. No one knew me. 

I secretly loved every minute I spent with you. I loved how you would want to back slap me when I annoy you. I loved your spontaneity. I loved your goofy laugh and your hopeless hair. I loved your non-existent bigote. I loved that one time we had a discussion about career. I loved how you accompanied me through my coffee obsession. I loved how you had to try everything at least once. I loved your Gaultier glasses, not your Oakley. I loved how you would give your cheek to my subtle kisses. I loved your childhood stories - Aray ko mambo! I loved how we had names for kids: Tala and G Jr. 

Maybe in an alternate universe, a realm, I can boldly tell everyone that I love you. I can freely profess my love for you. I can tell everyone that you are MINE and mine alone.

I still have so many things I want to tell you but I guess, it is best to keep them unsaid.

Thank you for almost a year of bittersweet hours and minutes. 

I hope you are going to be happy. 

Be good, G.

I love you. 

Cubao X, 2014

Saturday, March 21, 2015

First of Sorts - My First Corporate Job

Since second half of 2014, I have been looking for a job. A corporate job to be exact. I was still doing freelance to at least help me get through the months, but I needed a more steady income. I wasn't getting any interviews. I did get some but there were no follow-ups. Yes, I did get discouraged but my friends kept on telling me that it wasn't the hiring season. I just kept on applying. 

To make matters worse, I was the talk of my family. They kept asking me why I still don't have a job. I DID have a job. I was a freelance artist. FREELANCE. They wanted a more stable job for me. 

Enter the 2nd day of 2015, I was online, logged in at a website, submitting my CV to every possible company. Lo and behold, I did get three interviews from three different companies in two weeks. The third interview, well, I did not waste any opportunity. I was offered a position.  I took it. 

On my very first day of work, I was immediately asked to design something. Right then and there, I was working. Sinabak ako agad!  Events, flyers, posters, FB covers, ticket designs, PR, meetings, FGDs.  Every thing was being thrown at me and I have been accepting it. 

There was no period of adjustment. As days go by, I learn the politics, the style, the profile, my teammates. Everything! Crazy! 

But boy, when I got my first salary, nothing beats that! I just have to level up, to ask for more, to exceed my expectation and theirs too.

So, I shall update, my non-existent readers. I missed this. Writing. I wish I could pour out everything here. I could if I have the courage to do so. But now, let me get my well-deserved sleep because tomorrow, it's a brand new day, full of possibilites, full of hope, and full of happiness.

Goodnight unto you all! 

p.s. I am beginning to get the hang of it, this corporate life. I think. :) 

Clear as a water

Where do you pick up the pieces after making that decision? A decision that has been long overdue. 

Maybe pick my camera again. That's a good start. or Maybe a Tanduay...

Tomorrow's a new day! 

Saturday, March 14, 2015


It has been quite a while since I last wrote something in this blog. Maybe I should do a makeover for this blog. So many things has happened since September. A lot of heartaches and yearning. Nevertheless, I know I'll be okay. :)