How is it that the holidays never fail to bring the urgency to purge? To make me feel unhappy, sad, nostalgic, alone, longing for something that's never going to happen? It is evident this holiday.
Well 2015, hope is there from the very beginning of the year. January. I was interviewed for my first corporate job and come February, I was working. I couldn't be more thankful for that. I thought everything was going fine but yes, that part had been always there.
I was hopeful for that, too. Thinking we're be together this year, waiting for him patiently. But it turned out, I had to get out the of the equation. I couldn't see that before when I told him I'd end it. As you know, it was forbidden. Us. But my strings were pulled accordingly and I got sucked in again.
As February passed by, March, April, May. I had to be the one.
I thought I was going to be fine. Me out of his own equation. Him out of my life. I met men immediately after that. I had fun but the fun didn't last that long.
For months now, I've been bottling this resentment, anger, abandonment and it finally caught up. It has been exploding for weeks now. Crying in the most mundane places while talking to my friend or when I wake up in the morning, wishing his warmth will give me comfort.
I cannot bring us back. Him back. I cannot get back what I gave to him. What I can only do is forgive myself and forgive him. The only gift I am thankful for is Rufio. I thank him for Rufio.
2015 you have been the most badass year yet. I got my heart broken big time. Lord knows how badly it has beaten up.
I am a hesitant someone, as told by my former boss while catching up with him thru Facebook chat on the day of Christmas eve. I was cleaning my room or rather, cleaning my skeletons.
I don't want to end the year in a low note. ( I'll stop checking his fb account and others for updates hahaha) I'll end it how I started the year.
Moving forward with high hopes for myself.