These past few days, I have been thinking about him. During my breaks or when I am in idle, I linger in the past, trying to understand if things didn't turn out as expected. The more I linger, the more I become sad and eventually, cry.
For the past month, I cope by telling my closest teammate about my struggles to this so-called moving on. During the first week, I was furious. I felt that I needed that so-called break up. I was furious at him for letting him hook me for almost a year. I was mad at myself for being so foolish, thinking that we'd end up someday. Two weeks, I was doing good. And then third week, I lost it. I cried in front of my two teammates while drinking. It has become a routine.
And then I started to pray. I pray to Him whenever I feel like I won't be able to forget him. I pray to Him when I cry uncontrollably at night. I pray to Him to free me from this sadness, to have the courage and decency to not look back and not contact him. I pray to Him to help him to be happy, to be satisfied, to be vocal about what he feels and what he wants. It's not just me, I pray for him, too.
|Cubao X last night|
Last night, I was at Cubao X. And it all came back to me: how I brought him there because he hasn't been there, how we fought at Alan's Grill, left him there, and went back for him, how we checked those antique shops and planned to go back again to get a Marcos memorabilia for his mom.
This morning, together with my sister, we passed by familiar routes to me of which he and I spent laughing, making out, buying coffee, surviving traffic, deciding which dog to get and what food to buy for it among other things. I had to control my feelings and my tear ducts.
Ang lakas, motherf!!!!!!!
I know it is going to be a tough month ahead since I remembered he gave himself a deadline about his situation. The deadline is July. I am taking actions not to be distracted. This battle, I am facing it all by myself. It's a burden I have to overcome or else, I might go crazy. As much as I want to share this, as the saying goes "A problem shared is a problem solved", I have to deal with the loneliness and turn in to solitude.
But then I fail just now. By writing this post.