How is it that the holidays never fail to bring the urgency to purge? To make me feel unhappy, sad, nostalgic, alone, longing for something that's never going to happen? It is evident this holiday. Well 2015, hope is there from the very beginning of the year. January. I was interviewed for my first corporate job and come February, I was working. I couldn't be more thankful for that. I thought everything was going fine but yes, that part had been always there. I was hopeful for that, too. Thinking we're be together this year, waiting for him patiently. But it turned out, I had to get out the of the equation. I couldn't see that before when I told him I'd end it. As you know, it was forbidden. Us. But my strings were pulled accordingly and I got sucked in again. As February passed by, March, April, May. I had to be the one. I thought I was going to be fine. Me out of his own equation. Him out of my life. I met men immediately after that. I had fun but the fun didn't last that long. For months now, I've been bottling this resentment, anger, abandonment and it finally caught up. It has been exploding for weeks now. Crying in the most mundane places while talking to my friend or when I wake up in the morning, wishing his warmth will give me comfort.
I cannot bring us back. Him back. I cannot get back what I gave to him. What I can only do is forgive myself and forgive him. The only gift I am thankful for is Rufio. I thank him for Rufio.
2015 you have been the most badass year yet. I got my heart broken big time. Lord knows how badly it has beaten up. I am a hesitant someone, as told by my former boss while catching up with him thru Facebook chat on the day of Christmas eve. I was cleaning my room or rather, cleaning my skeletons.
I don't want to end the year in a low note. ( I'll stop checking his fb account and others for updates hahaha) I'll end it how I started the year. Moving forward with high hopes for myself.
So.. Hi, my non-existent readers. As I write this, I am also trying to write two texts about two events for our newsletter.
First things first, I just got regularized! Wooot! I think a reward is in order, perhaps Giniling bracelets by Natalya L. Anyway, I was in probation for 3 months before I got regularized. It was a long wait and so much negativity, but I just kept going. So here it is! :)
Second, I went to Bicol twice this month. The second time was Calaguas. First time was in Albay. And oh boy, both places were a treat! The majestic Mayon captivated me. I couldn't stop looking at it. Every chance I get, I look at the Mayon with so much awe. Calaguas was different. Different in a sense that I could actually picture myself camping for more days and wouldnt mind if communication was cut off. It was all experiential. Probably next stop, Visayas for my Birthday!! Weeeee!
Hmmmm Third, hmmmm I need to start taking photos. Yes, I am whining again.
I had two dreams about you. But I dreamt them in one sleeping, two nights ago.
First, we were still "together". We didn't see each other for three day because you went on a retreat. After your retreat, you met up with me. You said you were ready to leave her. And you met up with her. I saw her. You went somewhere, went back to the place where we met, where I was waiting for you. You sat beside her, told her it's over. She leaned her head on you shoulder. You quickly stood up and left the place. The place was McDonalds. The second one, we were in your car. You stopped at some bay and then somebody knocked on your car's window. You lowered the window, and the a fat girl appeared to the picture. She was holding her phone, probably texting her that you were cheating on her. You left the bay, dropped me off a train station after the incident. The train station was beautiful. I am ready to move on. To let go of you. I need to rest this tired heart and mind of mine. It's time to withdraw.
These past few days, I have been thinking about him. During my breaks or when I am in idle, I linger in the past, trying to understand if things didn't turn out as expected. The more I linger, the more I become sad and eventually, cry.
For the past month, I cope by telling my closest teammate about my struggles to this so-called moving on. During the first week, I was furious. I felt that I needed that so-called break up. I was furious at him for letting him hook me for almost a year. I was mad at myself for being so foolish, thinking that we'd end up someday. Two weeks, I was doing good. And then third week, I lost it. I cried in front of my two teammates while drinking. It has become a routine.
And then I started to pray. I pray to Him whenever I feel like I won't be able to forget him. I pray to Him when I cry uncontrollably at night. I pray to Him to free me from this sadness, to have the courage and decency to not look back and not contact him. I pray to Him to help him to be happy, to be satisfied, to be vocal about what he feels and what he wants. It's not just me, I pray for him, too.
Cubao X last night
Last night, I was at Cubao X. And it all came back to me: how I brought him there because he hasn't been there, how we fought at Alan's Grill, left him there, and went back for him, how we checked those antique shops and planned to go back again to get a Marcos memorabilia for his mom.
This morning, together with my sister, we passed by familiar routes to me of which he and I spent laughing, making out, buying coffee, surviving traffic, deciding which dog to get and what food to buy for it among other things. I had to control my feelings and my tear ducts.
Ang lakas, motherf!!!!!!!
I know it is going to be a tough month ahead since I remembered he gave himself a deadline about his situation. The deadline is July. I am taking actions not to be distracted. This battle, I am facing it all by myself. It's a burden I have to overcome or else, I might go crazy. As much as I want to share this, as the saying goes "A problem shared is a problem solved", I have to deal with the loneliness and turn in to solitude.
For the last three weeks or so, I have been going out and drinking and dancing and drinking again. Yes, the majority of the activity of my night shenanigans is drinking. With that said, I have been lacking sleep. I usually get 6 hours of sleep on a work night but if I go out, I have been getting 2-3 hours of sleep or even 1 and a half hours of sleep. And I can feel my body has taken its toll evidently my face.
So, I will try my best to stop at least for two weeks and just recharge and "detoxify". And focus more on Rufio whom I have been neglecting. This post was more of a rant. lol. Still missing him a lot.