2015

How is it that the holidays never fail to bring the urgency to purge? To make me feel unhappy, sad, nostalgic, alone, longing for something that's never going to happen? It is evident this holiday. 

Well 2015, hope is there from the very beginning of the year. January. I was interviewed for my first corporate job and come February, I was working. I couldn't be more thankful for that. I thought everything was going fine but yes, that part had been always there. 

I was hopeful for that, too. Thinking we're be together this year, waiting for him patiently. But it turned out, I had to get out the of the equation. I couldn't see that before when I told him I'd end it. As you know, it was forbidden. Us. But my strings were pulled accordingly and I got sucked in again. 

As February passed by, March, April, May. I had to be the one. 

I thought I was going to be fine. Me out of his own equation. Him out of my life. I met men immediately after that. I had fun but the fun didn't last that long.

For months now, I've been bottling this resentment, anger, abandonment and it finally caught up. It has been exploding for weeks now. Crying in the most mundane places while talking to my friend or when I wake up in the morning, wishing his warmth will give me comfort. 

I cannot bring us back. Him back. I cannot get back what I gave to him. What I can only do is forgive myself and forgive him. The only gift I am thankful for is Rufio. I thank him for Rufio.

2015 you have been the most badass year yet. I got my heart broken big time. Lord knows how badly it has beaten up.

I am a hesitant someone, as told by my former boss while catching up with him thru Facebook chat on the day of Christmas eve. I was cleaning my room or rather, cleaning my skeletons. 

I don't want to end the year in a low note. ( I'll stop checking his fb account and others for updates hahaha) I'll end it how I started the year.












Moving forward with high hopes for myself. 

Twice is too much

It happened again. The second time.

I can't believe I fell for it again. I asked him why, it can't happen, the two of us. He didnt give me any answers. He just wants us to be friends first, for the second time. He is not ready for any "deep" friendship. He's fine tuning himself, fixing his issues. 

He's so selfish. And narcissistic. 

I was so ready to risk myself to a relationship even if it is so uncertain. I know I should never enter into realtionship that is so malabo but I should never turn down something beautiful. I weighed the risk that was him. For me, he was worth the risk. 

I was deceived. I was hurt. I am still hurt. 

Now, purging begins.

I would like to thank my bosses for being there for me for the past week. I love them for that.  

If only.

It has been a while since we last talked to each other. I remember the night when you didn't want to talk to anymore because I said to you that I am pretty sure I am not gonna be able to visit this year. It broke my heart.

There are so many things I want to tell you. And so many things I need to ask you especially the part about your driving test. Did you pass or not?

I must say, I need to say that I think I fell in love with you. But how can this be after hanging out with you for
four days? If only we had time.

I've been secretly crying about how it ended (I think?) between us. I really wish I could still talk to you, message you on viber. If only you could open up to me and not shut me out of your life. Nobody said it was easy. I just wish, oh how wish...

I am trying hard not to chase you. So haaaard. But there is really something that draws me even closer to you. I know. I should already stop having delusions of you and me. I need to move on with my life like what you're doing now. There's a big part of me that wished that we didn't meet. Our lives will be easier. But not meeting you at all would not be my world without you in it.

Slowly but surely, I will let you go. I have to or else I'd drive myself to the edge. It was really nice knowing you.I loved every single second we spent talking, laughing, teasing, holding hands, staring, pushing, drunk texting, and dreaming.

I miss you terribly C.