If only.

It has been a while since we last talked to each other. I remember the night when you didn't want to talk to anymore because I said to you that I am pretty sure I am not gonna be able to visit this year. It broke my heart.

There are so many things I want to tell you. And so many things I need to ask you especially the part about your driving test. Did you pass or not?

I must say, I need to say that I think I fell in love with you. But how can this be after hanging out with you for
four days? If only we had time.

I've been secretly crying about how it ended (I think?) between us. I really wish I could still talk to you, message you on viber. If only you could open up to me and not shut me out of your life. Nobody said it was easy. I just wish, oh how wish...

I am trying hard not to chase you. So haaaard. But there is really something that draws me even closer to you. I know. I should already stop having delusions of you and me. I need to move on with my life like what you're doing now. There's a big part of me that wished that we didn't meet. Our lives will be easier. But not meeting you at all would not be my world without you in it.

Slowly but surely, I will let you go. I have to or else I'd drive myself to the edge. It was really nice knowing you.I loved every single second we spent talking, laughing, teasing, holding hands, staring, pushing, drunk texting, and dreaming.

I miss you terribly C.

Passion vs. Experience

For those people who are close to me, they know that I've been eyeing to work in an art institution or in a gallery. I was interviewed last week by this big art institution and I couldn't believe my luck. But before that, I had a previous job interview with a portrait studio, my first ever job interview. 

The portrait studio asked me to try out for 3 days in one of their branches. I happily agreed since it was just a try out. I can still back out if I wanted to. I went to the first  two days of the try out. It was a happy environment, too happy I must say. But I like the employees! Crazy ones! But I guess my heart wasn't really there because  what I wanted to experience wasn't in that environment. 

On the third day, the operations manager will conduct a second interview that will determine if I'll go through the training. And that morning and the night before, I was so restless on what to do. I consulted seven people regarding my situation and received mixed responses.

I was ready to accept it but then my sister talked to me. She was really against it. So the feeling came back again to me. It was passion versus experience. Yes, if I accepted the job offer, I will gain experience especially it was photography. But my passion was art, art photography. 

In the end, I followed my heart on this one. I declined the offer. Not a day goes by that I don't regret my decision.

It took a lot of courage to do that, knowing that I could be earning now. My future is really uncertain. No call backs, no scheduled interview. But I am not giving up my dream, my passion. 

How about you? 

A year that was

Let me take you back to 2012, a year that was. 

CHEERS 2012!! 

What I want to do right now.

A week of withdrawal

The 18-hour flight going back to the Philippines was a torture due to the fact that I was being carried away from the country I called home for 3 months and a week.  During the two flights, I secretly cried in my seat, hiding it from my fellow passengers. It was such an overwhelming feeling. I was crying when I was saying my goodbyes to my mum and Dave. I couldn't help it. Even inside the holding area, while talking to my mum on the mobile, I was crying really hard. I really didn't care if people stared at me. 

I even cried when I saw the Makati skyline not because I missed it, it is because I was wishing that I was back in the UK, not here.

The first week back was the hardest. I cried during the first 3 days of being here in the house. I was so unhappy. To top up my unhappiness, I started reminiscing everything that has happened to me for the past 3 months and a week. I wanted to get out of the house. Thank god, one of my bff invited me to accompany her to her work and an instant sleepover happened. But the loneliness  

Slowly, I was letting Philippines, my home, in again. It was so hard to say goodbye to the hospitality of every Filipino and English I met there that I seriously wanted to live right there and there. Well, because my mum was there too. And this person I met.

Happy to tell you that I have not been crying. Deep in my heart, I know that my trip that lasted for 3 months and a week is the not last trip I am ever going to make. I will definitely be back. <3 

 I found out something about myself. I fall easily. 

The End is Near

In two days time, I'll be flying back to the Philippines. It's a bittersweet ending when I was just really opening my arms and letting England in. 

In the first few weeks of November, I was pretty much stuck inside of the house because my mom had hours of work. I thought for a moment there, my trip just ended. But nearing the last weeks of November, my mom's friend, Tita Gina, started inviting me to their night outs. I really didn't care if I was hanging out with probably menopausal Filipino women. I was glad I was out of the house. 

But really, I couldn't thank enough my mom, Estela and Dave for giving me this opportunity to visit this beautiful country, cold but beautiful. You took a chance on me! hahaha I love you both! 

The Goffs and Fishers, I am so glad to meet you all in person, not through Yahoo chat or picture messages sent by  mom.

Brighton Photo Fringe, for giving me the opportunity to be one of your volunteers. It opened my eyes to the possibilities of me, becoming an art photographer. So much inspiration to take home with me. 

Paula ( My Spanish little sister! )and your mom, coffee after mass! I'll miss it even though we sometimes got lost in translation. 

The Filipinas (Tita Lorna, Tita Angie, Tita Dory, Ate Carol, Ate Chari) here in Eastbourne. You crazy women!! Hope to see you again soon!

Tita Gina, Naman!! Thank you really. Inom pa! 

Mister Beer, you hardworking man! I will never forget you. You made me feel so special just by looking at me even from across the room. Those bottle green eyes. haaaay 

I've been secretly crying and the weather doesn't help at all.  I just don't want leave yet. But yes, the end is near and I can see how it will end. In tears.  

DeVotchka - How It Ends